Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)

A SINGULAR, INDISPENSABLE, LIFE-SAVING CONTRIBUTION ON BPD, August 24, 1998

Predictable Stages: People who love someone with BPD seem to go through similar stages. The longer the relationship has lasted, the longer each stage seems to take. Although these are listed in the general order in which people go through them, most people move back and forth among different stages.

Confusion Stage. This generally occurs before a diagnosis of BPD is known. Non-BPs struggle to understand why borderlines sometimes behave in ways that seem to make no sense. They look for solutions that seem elusive, blame themselves, or resign themselves to living in chaos. Even after learning about BPD, it can take non-BPs weeks or months to really comprehend on an intellectual level how the BP is personally affected by this complex disorder. It can take even longer to absorb the information on an emotional level.

Outer-Directed Stage. In this stage, non-borderlines turn their attention toward the person with the disorder, urging them to seek professional help, attemping to get them to change, and trying their best not to trigger problematic behavior. People at this stage usually learn all they can about BPD in an effort to understand and empathize with the person they care about. It can take nopn-BPs a long time to acknowledge feelings of anger and grief--especially when the BP is a parent or child. Anger is an extremely common reaction, even though most non-BPs understand on an intellectual level that BPD is not the borderline's fault. Yet because anger seems to be an inappropriate response to a situation that may be beyond the borderline's control, non-BPs often suppress their anger and instead experience depression, hopelessness, and guilt. The chief tasks for non-BPs in this stage include acknowledging and dealing with their own emotions, letting BPs take responsibility for their own actions, and giving up the fantasy that the BP will behave as the non-BP would like them to.

Inner-Directed Stage. Eventually, non-BPs look inward and conduct an honest apparaisal of themselves. It takes two people to have a relationship, and the goal for non-BPs in this stage is to better understand their role in making the relationship what it now is. The objective here is not self-recrimination, but insight and self-discovery.

Decision-Making Stage. Armed with knowledge and insight, non-BPs struggle to make decisions about the relationship. This stage can often take months or years. Non-BPs in this stage need to clearly understand their own values, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions. For example, one man with a physically violent borderline wife came from a conservative family that strongly disapprove of divorce. His friends counseled him to separate from her, but he felt unable to do so because of his concern about how his family would react. You may find that your beliefs and values have served you well throughout your life. Or you may find that you inherited them from your family without determining whether or not they truly reflect who you are. Either way, it is important to be guided by your OWN values--not someone else's.

Resolution Phase. In this final stage, non-BPs implement their decisions and live with them. Depending upon the type of relationship, some non-BPs may, over time, change their minds many times and try different alternatives.

And:

....When it comes to chosen relationships, we found that the BP's willingness to admit they had a problem and seek help was by far the determining factor as to whether the couple stayed together or not....

If you are looking at this right now, know that you are not alone. There are countless others who understand all you have been through for nothing. Get on the non-BP mailing list at Randi Kreger's site and buy this book NOW. It can and will save your life, whatever you decide.

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A brilliant analysis of a tragic disorder, August 12, 2001

By	Kate McMurry (United States) - See all my reviews

Randi Kreger is a professional writer and an executive in public relations and marketing. She has collected more than 1,000 stories detailing the devastating experiences of people in close relationship with persons suffering from BPD ("BP's"). Kreger moderates two e-mail discussion groups for friends and family of BP's on her comprehensive Web site about BPD: [....]

Mason and Kreger's carefully written, highly readable book provides a brilliant analysis of a disorder that wreaks enormous havoc. In addition to clarifying what BPD is, they provide crucial survival techniques for those who wish to stay in relationship with the BP's they love.

There are extensive references and a list of recommended resources in this 258-page book as well as appendices on the following subjects: coping suggestions for clinicians, tips for BP's who have other BP's in their lives, a summary of causes and treatment of BPD. The topics covered in the main body of the book include: (1) understanding BPD behavior; (2) keeping control of your life while in close association with a BP; (3) resolving special issues, including raising a BP child, distortion campaigns of the BP against you, making decisions about continuing your relationship with the adult BP in your life.

The authors state that the central irony of BPD is that "people who suffer from it desperately want closeness and intimacy, but the things they do to get it often drive people away from them." Their needs are extremely difficult to meet, because they are so turbulent and irrational.

In a profoundly important departure from the militant-environmentalism stance that has engulfed the mental-health establishment for decades, the authors freely admit the existence of children with BPD. In the Freudian tradition, most psychiatrists continue to believe that BPD is caused entirely by poor mothering, with the damage only showing up in adulthood after the destructive childhood has ended. The real truth is, however, that BPD can occur very early in life, and in the most nurturing of families, both of which indicate there is a strong genetic component to this disorder. This vital insight on childhood BPD will bring great comfort to besieged mothers of BP children who are unfairly shamed and stigmatized by mental-health and educational personnel as the "cause" of their child's condition.

I believe this book should be required reading for every psychological and psychiatric training program in the country. It will also bring enormous insight, comfort and encouragement to the friends and families of BP's everywhere.

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