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Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy (Paperback)

by Frank Pittman (Author) "What is infidelity?..." (more)
Key Phrases: accidental infidelity, accidental infidelities, female philanderer, Gary Hart, Good Buddy, Fatal Attraction (more...)

(34 customer reviews)

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
For people who suspect their spouses are having a secret romantic affair, or are coping with the aftermath of one, this primer offers sensible counsel, albeit in pedestrian, chatty prose. From case studies of 100 adulterous couples whom he has treated, Pittman, a psychiatrist in Atlanta, draws profiles of four basic patterns of betrayal: accidental flings which "just happen"; habitual philandering, which he believes to be motivated by insecurity and fear of the opposite sex; crazy, in-love romantic states that cloud one's judgment; and marital arrangements ranging from sexual supplements to flamboyant revenge affairs. His deflation of "popular myths" about affairs is less than startling. More helpful are sections on what to look for in a marriage partner, dealing with jealousy, remarriage (unions between a divorcing partner and the "affairee" have a low success rate) and the traumatic effects of secret affairs on children. First serial to Self.
Copyright 1988 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Product Description
Infidelity is the most common major crisis of marriage. In this wise book, a psychiatrist and family therapist discusses four kinds of infidelity, why they happen, and what they mean.

Product Details

Paperback: 1 pages
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company (November 1990)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0393307077
ISBN-13: 978-0393307078
Product Dimensions: 7.8 x 5.4 x 0.9 inches
Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)

Average Customer Review:

(34 customer reviews)

Amazon.com Sales Rank: #122,243 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

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In-Print Editions: Hardcover (1st) | All Editions

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Inside This Book (learn more)

First Sentence:
What is infidelity? Read the first page

Key Phrases - Statistically Improbable Phrases (SIPs): (learn more)
accidental infidelity, accidental infidelities, female philanderer, sexual hobbyists, marital aide, affair partner, male philanderers, unfaithful parent, revenge affair, betrayed spouse, marital arrangements, tennis instructor

Key Phrases - Capitalized Phrases (CAPs): (learn more)
Gary Hart, Good Buddy, Fatal Attraction, Glenn Close, Good Buddies, Hugh Hefner, Katharine Hepburn

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Books on Related Topics | Concordance | Text Stats

Citations (learn more)

This book cites 43 books:

The Unbearable Lightness of Being: A Novel by Milan Kundera on page 99, page 257, and Back Matter
Ethan Frome (Signet Classics) by Edith Wharton on page 178, and Back Matter
Analytical Psychology (Ark Paperbacks) by C.G. Jung on page 84, and Back Matter
In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development by Carol Gilligan on page 38, and Back Matter
Lie Down in Darkness by William Styron on page 241, and Back Matter

See all 43 books this book cites

48 books cite this book:

The Family Therapy Treatment Planner by Frank M. Dattilio in Back Matter (1), and Back Matter (2)
Affair-Proof Your Marriage : Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli in Back Matter (1), and Back Matter (2)
Loving Relationships II: The Secrets of a Great Relationship by Sondra Ray on page 46, and Back Matter
Man enough: fathers, sons and the search for masculinity by Frank Pittman in Front Matter, and Back Matter
Technology, Spirituality, & Social Trends (Probing the Headlines Series) (Probing the Headlines That Impact Your Family) by Kerby Anderson on page 74, and Back Matter

See all 48 books citing this book

Books on Related Topics (learn more)

Splitting Up by Alvin Pam

Discusses:

Patterns Of Infidelity And Their Treatment by Emily M. Brown

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Integrative Solutions by Gerald R. Weeks

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Customer Reviews

34 Reviews

5 star:		(20)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(2)
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Average Customer Review

(34 customer reviews)

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

41 of 42 people found the following review helpful:

This book probably saved my marriage., August 8, 1999

By A Customer

After my marriage suffered from a devastating infidelity this book was the first and only trully helpful source of facts that helped me understand adultery. It talks about the 4 types of adultery and the reasons they may occur. The book provides information on potential for repairing the marriage (ie, is your unfaithful spouse a hopeless philanderer or a lost soul that might be saved with help.) Had I not found this book I certainly would not have the understanding of what happened in my marriage that I feel I now have. It helped me to find some peace and begin the healing process. Other books I read and the counselors I talked to were not able to help in this way. I feel Dr. Pittman is a leading expert who is much more knowledgeable regarding infidelity than the average marriage counselor out there. I strongly recommend it for anyone who has a marriage that has suffered from infidelity.

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33 of 33 people found the following review helpful:

Saving your sanity as you make sense of adultery, February 23, 1999

By A Customer

This is the only book about betrayal that I recommend to therapists whole heartedly. Pittmans common sense views of the etiology, progression and healing of betrayal are absolutely refreshing. A key point that seems unique is Pittmans emphasis that the betrayed partner did not bring this on themselves. Currently, many authors and therapists insist that the faithful partner contributed to the others unfaithfulness in some significant way or it would never have happened. Unfortunately the battered soul of the offended partner is not only contending with terrible rejection, they are given the crushing judgement that some defect of theirs contributed to the betrayal. We wouldn't ask the victim of a mugging how they could have been more sensitive to the assailents needs to have prevented the crime. Pittmans book is a humane, reasonable and a common sense approach which helps allieviate much pain and calls the straying partner to account for his actions. Another insightful observation Pittman reveals is the re-writing of history that often goes on in the rationalization process of the adulterer. The common phrases, "Our marriage was over a long time before, we always had problems, she/he never loved me" may or may not be true. But generally in the presence of an affair, those statements make cheating a whole lot easier to do. Pittman asks, How trustworthy is the memory of a cheating partner. A sanity saving thought for the faithful partner who begins to suspect he was either living in another house, or lost his mind.For those who have been wounded the book offers great comfort, for those who cheated it offers an opportunity for accountability. Most of all it offers hope for many that marriages can be saved even after adultery. Pittmans book is a great tool to do precisely that. At this point I have found no better resource for those grappling with the aftermath of adultery.

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36 of 37 people found the following review helpful:

Probably the best available book on the subject, April 6, 2002

By A Customer

Of the dozen or so books I've read on infidelity, this is by far the soundest--intellectually, morally, and practically. As a psychotherapist, a writer on psychology well-thought-of in some good circles, and a cuckold (hence my not giving my name), I think I can say that with some authority.

I'm not quite sure why therapists get utterly goofy when they start writing about infidelity, manufacturing nonsense about its always being a function of the marriage, or both parties having contributed. We wouldn't say those things about, say, wife beating, would we? Why say it about other egregious disrespect, damage, and betrayal of the entire marriage contract?

Pittman, with refreshing good sense, shoots down six common "myths about infidelity" and provides very sound analysis and advice. Frankly, I would rank this as one of the better pop books by anyone, on any subject, in matters of mental health. His comments on guilt and jealousy are among the best I've ever heard from a mental health type.

I have only two complaints:

First, Pittman feels compelled to give his own "typology" of affairs, and while it's better than any other I've seen, it's still artificial and doesn't encompass all the sorts of affairs that occur. You might not do well to fit yourself into his pigeonholes.

Second, like other Americans, Pittman for some reason feels the irrational need to deny that sex is at the heart of the damage done by infidelity. True, the lies and so forth are horrible. But let's face facts: We don't get nearly so hurt or angry about lies that have nothing to do with sexual betrayal. I guess Americans don't like talking about the elemental emotions that go with sex, even when we're talking about sex.

Maybe I'll have to write a book saying that monogamy is about sex, and what that means, and what it means that sexual betrayal is sexual. Until then, read Pittman's book. It's very sound.

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Most Recent Customer Reviews

Save your money and buy THIS book!
This book is one of only 2 books on infidelity that I can wholeheartly recommend and I've read several (the other was by the late Dr. Shirley Glass). Read more

Published 9 months ago by D. Martino

Private Lies
I have not finished it yet but so far I found it insightful since it is written by a male and it gives you a glimpse into the the way men think so differently about things... Read more

Published 14 months ago by Betrayed but recovering

Rather dated and biased...
This author is rather biased and seems to think that infidelity is never the cause of a divorce and that divorce is to be avoided at almost all costs barring physical abuse! Read more

Published 14 months ago by James L. Thompson

Simplistic
Pittman, like some other psychiatrists, likes to be able to put people and their actions into easy categories. Read more

Published 18 months ago by BJ

True Understanding
I love this guy. Dr. Frank Pittman is a psychiatrist with a sense of humor, and brilliant insight into the Passion, Drama, Lust and Love of affairs. Read more

Published 21 months ago by Michele T. Woodward

Best work on infidelity....
I discovered this book while I was doing a research paper on infidelity. I kept noticing that most of the other books I used as references kept quoting this one! Read more

Published on April 9, 2006 by Patrick D. Goonan

liked it very much
This book offers understanding of what happened. I especially liked the description of the different types of affair, which should make it easier for the betrayed to figure out... Read more

Published on March 10, 2006 by avid reader

Both sides of an affair
This book came out when I was confronting infidelity in my life. As a result I looked at how my growth as a woman from the innocent fifteen year old girl my husband met to the... Read more

Published on January 29, 2006 by M. D. Barnicke Belleghem

An Interesting viewpoint
I found this book very interesting, partly because my own wife's infidelity was also laced with a habit of lying about almost everything and also because the book provides... Read more

Published on June 7, 2005 by Richard Alan

This book cheats you too!
If you want to know how to be a doormat and feel like crap, then this is he book for you! It is a handbook for victims, but with very little real information. Read more

Published on January 26, 2003

› See all 34 customer reviews...

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Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy (Paperback)

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